They all love to say that women are complicated. We’re moody, or we’re hot and cold. What happens when it’s the other way around? Remember back if you will, to a really great first date. The first time he kisses you and you feel that sweet sickness deep in your belly. The phone calls, the uncontrollable smiles you can’t bare to hold in as you wait by the phone. The sheer rush of a wonderful new crush. There is no greater feeling than this, but sometimes it goes south and turns sour. I’m talking about the boys who cry love. The ones that stop shy of committing but still won’t let you go. Dates turn into late night phone calls and clarity becomes foggy and confusing.
For a long time it felt like every time I started to fall for someone it wouldn’t work out. I would get my heart broken, cry into my phone and walk wearily away. But one would always come back. This gave me hope and every time he strolled back into my life I would take him in with open arms and believe that this time, it really would be different. After our first initial break up I swore that I would never go back to him. Of course I caved, I’ve always been weak when it comes to penis. After not speaking for months he called me late one night asking if I wanted to “play nintendo”. Right, like I don’t know what that means. I was drunk. I scrambled out of my friends bed and while she was in the bathroom I ran out with out a word. My goal was to cross the entire campus in half the time, turning a 20 minute walk into one of 10. I was making great time, but unfortunately I was walking in the wrong direction, away from college and deep into the hood. Long story short I was picked up by a police officer and “Officer McNasty” insisted that he deliver my stumbling body to the front desk of my boy’s dormitory himself. This wasn’t the only time that I humiliated myself in the name of love either.
There was another time when I took an especially degrading walk of shame across campus after spending the night with him. It was the day after halloween and I was wearing a tiny black cocktail dress and spike heals. When I had entered his building late Friday night it was unusually warm, when I left on Saturday morning it was freezing, a shocking 36 degrees to be exact. It was also a game day and I just happened to be walking past the insanely crowded OSU stadium. The sidewalks and streets were flooded with all kinds of blood thirsty buckeye fans. They were ready to take their drunken pride and angst on someone, so there I was. “Shake that ass for the buckeyes baby!” A stumbling meaty man screamed. Stares were coming at me from all directions. Mothers were covering their children’s faces, protecting their eyes from the whore that walked before them. Heads were shaking, people were cheering, and snide comments were being hurled at me unrelentingly. At my horror, someone even began to film me with their camcorder. Needless to say I crawled into bed and didn’t come out for the rest of the day. The only haunting thought still left in my head was, “Why couldn’t he have given me a sweatshirt??”
Ah, but still he refused to commit to me. I wasn’t the girl he would bring home to mother, only the girl he allowed in his bed. Before too long I became lost between the sheets. He continuously teased and tempted me with love only to reconsider it and shut down the idea completely. Am I a fool for love, or just masochistic? If I’m both I know that i’m not the only one. We’ve all struggled with boys who cry love before, so what are we doing and why are we still hanging on? It may be a couple of things. If you’re dating the wrong people who string you along and break your heart, it’s because this is who you’re attracting. I attracted sleazy boys, because I wasn’t a complete angel either, nor was I alright with myself.
It’s really very simple. If I don’t love myself, how then can I expect someone else to love me? We chase the men who don’t know what they want, because we don’t really know what we want either. This is also why we insist on chasing the ones who treat us badly. We don’t feel like we deserve to be treated well because frankly, we don’t care about ourselves. A common problem with both men and women seeking relationships is the reasoning behind why we are seeking relationships. We tend to think, “I’m lonely and unhappy, I need love to make it all better.” No, you will never find a healthy long lasting relationship if you are treating your spouse as a crutch. It’s important to understand that the qualities we are missing within ourselves are often what we expect our spouses to either distract us from or provide for us. I used to fall for guys who told me that they loved my body because I didn’t, and I got a high from the self esteem boost. Now that I love my body I am no longer reliant on being told that I’m beautiful. This eliminates the men who are only looking at my body, and leaves the men who are more interested in getting to know me as a person. No one who has any self worth would dare begin a relationship with someone who is self deprecating.
The boys who cry love will stop their whining as soon as you stop demanding it. Don’t look for love that you don’t deserve. Instead work tirelessly at finding true love within yourself. Rather than putting all your eggs in one basket keep some for yourself. If you fall madly in love with someone and they decide to leave, as hard as it is you need to know that you will be okay with out them or anyone else. As soon as you become your best self all of the dogs and shaky love affairs will fall away leaving you with the potential for a truly great relationship.