College Mating Rituals: Grinding

I want to first begin by informing you that I got this picture off of and no, that is not a joke. It’s a step by step guide on how to look like a total jackass in the club while at the same time impressing that hot chick who’s throwing up in the nearest trashcan. Cool, bro you won’t even need roofies!

As a senior in college I am no stranger to the club scene or the choice of dance for this generation, I’m speaking of course about grinding. Sure, the roaring 20’s gave birth to Swing, the 50’s had the Sock Hop, The 70’s brought with it the disco era, but what does generation Y have to show for itself? Grinding, the act of assuming an ass up position so that some gelled up frat boy can rub is crotch all over it, awesome!

Now, ladies I know very well that grinding isn’t always a consensual act. Most of us don’t slip on our highest heels and swallow down our cranberry vodkas hoping all the while that some strange man will sneak up behind us and begin dry humping. So why then do we let it continue? Instead of being straightforward with the unwanted hopefuls who approach us on the dance floor, we devise exit strategies. My personal favorite strategy is when a girl feels a man slide up behind her and instead of telling him, “NO.” She latches onto her friend and explains that, that’s her girlfriend, “and she gets really jealous, sorry!” I mean, exactly whom is that supposed to help? Another good one is when the female senses she’s been spotted by an eager male, becomes frightened and sandwiches herself in between her two nearest girl friends, forming some kind of awkward wiggling conga line. Smooth, really smooth, until of course he comes back.

The sobberish girls have all kinds of strategies and defense mechanisms up their sleeves and are also aware that there is safety in numbers. Sadly, the drunker girls are slower and they often find themselves cut off from the pack, unfortunately this is a great opportunity for a herd of testosterone ridden males to descend upon her, leaving her absolutely defenseless from their sloppy gyrations. If you think I’m making this sound like a national geographic narration, it’s because I am. Everytime that I’m dancing with my friends and I see random men making moves towards us I genuinely feel like cattle at a watering hole. I mean let’s get real ladies, there is something seriously wrong with thinking that it’s okay for a total stranger, who reeks of menthols and Natty Ice, to grab you by the hips and rub his penis all over you. I don’t care if he has jeans, athletic shorts, and boxers over top of it, it’s nasty.

Grinding is such a clear way of objectifying women. “Oh, look dude there’s one! I have absolutely 0 impressive dance moves, but let me just walk up behind her. She will totally go home with me after that!” I don’t know who’s filling the heads of these neanderthals but they must be insane. I would love to believe that college boys are completely delusional and this doesn’t actually work, but I know that it does. In reality, college clubs are simply meat markets. Girls suck down cheap liquor, get dry humped, and then are most likely taken advantage of. It’s quite downing when you realize that instead of getting filled with information in college, young women are mostly being pumped with liquor, roofies, and social ideals that work to degrade us. If you’re not comfortable with allowing a man you don’t know to violate your space, let them know. So ladies, the next time you’re out with your friends and some Joe Shmoe tries to get on it, instead of sparing his feelings just give him a reality check.


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