245 Tompkins Avenue

I wouldn’t have called it my dream apartment. From the outside, it looked like it had survived 3 hurricanes and a zombie apocalypse. Each of the three apartments had two matching balconies located on the far side of the building which faced Tompkins park. At one time, it was probably a lovely place to sit and watch the kids walk to school or see the distant sun setting over the cityscape. But as the years flew by, the iron gates of these tiny terraces had become so rusted through it was a wonder they hadn’t fall right off the of building.

There was a stray cat living in our hallway named Tiger. I could tell by her cries for attention and food that she had probably belonged to someone. But people are cruel and they will do what they have to survive, leaving poor little Tigs on the street to fend for herself. My roommate has a bigger heart than she does a brain and would often let her into our apartment, to play with her cat, never considering the diseases that she could be carrying within her sticky, matted fur. The neighbors let Tiger in through a hole in the roof and most days she slept on the stairs. Occasionally there would be a perfect round turn waiting for us in the hallway. Although, we were never sure if it was Tiger’s as they usually looked big enough to be human.

The apartment on Tompkins was the only one Kelly and I could agree on. Our third roommate, was off on some cruise having the time of our life, and expected us to choose her a room and work out all the details amongst the two of us. She is violently irresponsible. Kelly and I hated each other from the get go. She, a right-wing Texan who loved processed food and Jesus, and I, a liberal feminist were bound to have problems. We agreed on the apartment solely because there were fewer stairs she had to climb than the previous options and I was tired of looking. After our first apartment had fallen through and I had been forced to live on my friend’s couch for a week, I would have slept in a box.

The closet doors hung lifeless from their hinges and there was a giant old mop sitting in still water in the middle of the living room. “It’s a real fixer upper, but the good thing about that is you can really make it your own.” Our realtor was young and vapid with sunken eyes and translucent skin. He paced rapidly and jumped from one foot to another as he showed us the apartment and I couldn’t tell if he was a heroin addict looking for a fix or if he was just unhealthy and needed to pee. Either way Kelly was smitten with him. She giggled as he accidentally pulled the handle off the “brand new” oven. I rolled my eyes and wanted to die. But we signed the lease anyway because I am inpatient and am great at making horrible decisions.

Kelly was gone when the blizzard hit. She had broken the living room window the night before in a high daze. She was one bong rip away from falling out of it completely as she attempted to smoke her last cigarette. She left for Texas in the morning without telling us anything had happened. So there we were, with in the middle of the worst snow storm New York City had seen in decades, with a broken window and a super named Tony who didn’t speak English or know how to use a power drill. We were fucked.

The window in my room was broken as well and there was a large hole in the wall where an air conditioning unit once sat. The only thing between my room and the outside world were two pieces of purple styrofoam and some reusable shopping bags I stuffed in between for insulation. When the city finally came to inspect our building they took the temperature of my bedroom and found that it was 45 degrees. It was St. Patrick’s Day and the warmest day we had, had in months.

Of course along with the broken window there was the lack of cold water. I know it may seem like you shouldn’t really need cold water in the winter but let me tell you, you absolutely fucking do. Without cold water to help regulate the temperature you are forced to bath in scalding hot hell fire. The landlord didn’t understand why this was a problem. “Who doesn’t want hot showers in the winter?! You crazy shikk…” He always stopped himself before he called me a Shiksa. As if being called a white whore was somehow worse than not being able to shower without burning my skin. For the record, words can’t hurt you like 300 degree water can.

The baby roaches, the black mold under the sink, and the rat poison in our drawers which made us all sick also contributed to our misery. Although nothing was worse than our landlord. He was a young, possibly inbred, shiesty Hasidic man who relentlessly harassed us for not paying rent on time (which we always did) and never shared with us so much as his first name. Each month the checks were made out to “Mr. Miller”. He did not have an email address or an office. We were to meet him out front of a small yiddish drug store and present our rent checks. If we had complaints, he always met us outside of our apartment building and brought his kids along. “You see, you see these children! I need to make a living, I have mouths to feed!” His children were some of the strangest looking kids I had ever seen. Looking into their classy eyes and porcelain skin deeply upset me. They never made a sound, they just stared at me with frozen faces as if holding their breath. I’m sure they actually were holding their breath. There is probably some strange rule that Hasidic children are banned from breathing the same air as gentile whores.

We broke the lease after a grueling 4 months. Between the unlivable conditions and my disgusting roommate leaving odd cups of milk to spoil in the fridge and leaving giant shit stains all up the back of our toilet seat, I had, had enough. After I had packed my things and moved them into my new apartment, I stood in the room and looked out onto the crumbling balcony. In that moment the room was actually beautiful. Bright light poured in through the windows and left it feeling sunny and warm. What a shame it was that it had been neglected for so many years. I said goodbye to first chapter of my New York City experience and I won’t go back, not even to check my mail.

Advertisements

Broke & Basic

I squatted awkwardly under the bathtub faucet, waiting for the icy water to trickle out into my cupped palms. I collected water, I splashed it about my body. It went on like this for several minutes until I felt clean. The cold and hot water didn’t mix in my apartment and all that could be endured was a frigid little stream. Shivering and crying I did my best to keep it together. There I was, on the edge of absolute failure. It was one of the most real moments of my young life – and all I could think was, I’m a rich girl from the suburbs, how did I get here?

There is nothing glamorous about New York. I am not Taylor Swift, and it had not been waiting for me. I fought my way here above all odds and everyone’s better judgement (including my own). But damn it, I was here. Even if I was hating every minute of it. Since my arrival in January,  I have changed apartments twice. Once because our landlord simply never returned from Israel to let us move in, apparently that’s more common then you’d think. The second because our “Beautiful Bedstuy Apartment” was deemed unlivable by the New York City Housing Authority. We needed to vacate, fast. It was decided to be un livable due to roaches, broken windows that were never going to be fixed, a diseased stray cat named Tiger living in our hallway, and of course the scalding water that rained down upon us from the shower head like hellfire. Of course, my roommate Kelly, who I and my friends lovingly renamed Smelly Kelly, contributed to the apartment’s foul conditions. She was the type of girl who saved everything – even old milk. She would leave glasses of it inside the fridge or under her bed for days. She smelled of sour cream as if she was actually bathing in it. She was every Texas stereotype I could dream up rolled into one larger than life human being. She was a gun toting, Jesus loving, racist who didn’t recycle. She was truly the embodiment of my every nightmare.

Then there are the boys. Oh, New York boys! They come in every size, shape, color, and background but they all lie the same way. There was one I liked. He was Dominican with dark, smooth skin, and had a smile that could make me weak in the knees. Amy Schumer once made the comment that every time Latinos speak it sounds like they’re cumming. Now, I understand what she means. He could make the Pledge of Alliance sound like the dirtiest thing you’d ever heard. He was filled with passion and oozed sexuality. I thought I was in heaven until I realized that I wasn’t the only object of his affection. He loved his best friend. And not in a BFF, get a tattoo, and give a speech at each other’s wedding kind of way. My internal alarm went off until when he invited his friend on our date. He friend sat back in his chair and he asked me what it was like for us to kiss and whether I work out, and what my favorite position was. They were close – very close. The two of them might as well have been holding hands under the table. Needless to say, I left before the proposition could even be made.

Worse even so than my two spanish papis, my foul roommate and the broken down roach motel we shared, was the job. Sweet Jesus did I fuck up the day I accepted that job. Now, hear me out. I had just moved to NYC and I had been burning my way through all of my savings (my credit card). My other prospects had fallen through and I was desperate for anything when I decided to suck up my pride and enter the cruel world of customer service. I just really didn’t realize how cruel it would actually be. My boss, a plain looking English woman from the dodgy end of London looked innocent enough. She was kind and warm in our interview. She regaled me with tales of her company’s success and the devotion of her loving staff, and honestly, I should have seen through the bullshit. At this point, after being in New York for a few long months I should have known that nothing is what it seems and everything is shit. But, I am 25 and naive with no sense and stars in my eyes so I took the bate. Her favorite term of endearment for us is “pathetic” and I and the other brainwashed twenty-somethings spend our days being screamed at by wealthy designers for being physically unable to overnight their fabric from Thailand. All the money in the world and they still can’t figure out geography. But, I am sure the globes in their studies are for looking, not for learning. So I spend 9 hours a day sitting at my desk awaiting my 30 minute lunch so I can step into the Chelsea streets and be free to chain smoke and eat my sad banana lunch.

My life is changing, so naturally my blog has to do the same. I have decided that I can no longer use the bulk of my posts to discuss my unsuccessful dating life. Because well, I may never have a date again. So instead I’ll focus on my current love-hate relationship with the city that never sleeps.

U R A QT: Booty Call Failures.

If you know anything about me then you know that my cousin is my wild, red-headed other half. If you know this, than you also know that I am no stranger to waking up to senseless drunken text messages. For example this morning I woke up to this one, “Wannahumpyounmaleyoufeelbetter:)” Thanks Ellen I feel the same way about you, I think. Either way the message was received, but let’s talk about the messages that miss the boat. The one’s that upon reading them make you say, “What the fuck..”

Unfortunately I, along with most women, have a serious problem. I attract total tools. There’s one guy in particular that I have a mild history with. We’ve known each other since high school and when I was 17 I thought he was such a babe, and he really is but he also acts like a complete asshole. Since we’ve graduated he’s joined a “pop-punk” band and spends months at a time touring the country and introducing 15 year old girls to the wonders of skinny jeans. When he is in town (and not with his girlfriend) he’s attempting to booty call me, and FAILING at it. We will go months with out talking and then out of the blue i’ll receive a series of poorly planned disturbances.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a Catholic church paying witness to the marriage of my older cousin and his long time girlfriend. My eyes were just beginning to water when I felt my phone vibrate. I peaked into my purse to see who was texting me and low and behold it was him. Wanna make out?  You’re fucking kidding me, I’m in the house of God for Christ’s sake. After I left the ceremony the conversation continued.

ME: I’m at a wedding?

HIM: I don’t care come fuck

ME: No.

HIM: Cmon you want it

ME: No, that sounds awful

HIM: Youll like it

ME: No I promise you I won’t.

HIM: Send me a pic

ME: I’m at family wedding?

HIM: I wanna see that ass

Does anyone else see a problem here? I’m literally saying no and still he continues. Not only is he blatantly objectifying me but this has to be the laziest attempt to get into my pants to date. It is absolutely unbelievable to me that someone can simply ignore my no’s. This is a perfect example of that ridiculous, “No means yes” cliche. Maybe I’m the crazy one here, but being treated like a cheap whore isn’t one of my turn-ons. For a long time I would laugh off his text messages and still remain “friendly” with him. After a couple years of these ridiculous and annoying texts/calls I don’t think it’s very funny anymore.

He’s not the only one who acts like this, his actions are not unique to his age group or our culture in general. Last night my friend got a drunken text message from another boy she hasn’t spoken to since the summer. “What the fuck, Liz this dude just texted me and asked me if I wanted to make out with him. He has a girlfriend..” What is wrong with these little boys? When they fight with their girlfriends, they go get drunk. When they go get drunk they end up texting us for “easy” sex. In reality, the only thing they’re accomplishing is making complete asses out of themselves. Instead of trying to charm our pants off they’re being sickeningly honest. They’re skipping the schmoozing and going right for the smushing.

Are we really allowing men to talk to us like this? Instead of laughing it off and playing along we need to stand up and let them know that we on’t be spoken to like this. They’re skipping A,B,C, and D and starting at F. However, they’re not playing any games, they’re being completely honest with their intentions and yet we are more repulsed than if they were lying to us. If sending nude pictures and one sentence agreements for sex are the present, then what’s in store for dating’s future? Has sex become so tasteless and casual that men actually think it’s acceptable to ask us to come fuck? Or that we as women would rather be lied to than listen to their brutally honest intentions? Instead of sleeping with men under the guise that they’re interested in us, why can’t men just simply sleep with the girls they are actually interested in? As far as maintaining a friendship with the ones who choose to believe that you really are that easy, don’t. Don’t feel like you can’t get angry when someone’s degrading you. You don’t have to forgive creepy jerk-offs for being creepy jerk-offs on the basis that they were just drunk. You’re No’s mean NO, let them know that their message was received and make sure that yours is as well.